Trying to ward off an anxiety attack. I’d rather wrestle a cobra.
Why are people so shitty. I can’t even make a fucking payment on line. I have spoken with three people and each has transferred me. I have wasted one hour and a half. Nothing was resolved. Does anybody just stop the buck and do something, even if it is not your department? If it were me, the caller would not be let go until I solved the problem for that person. That is what is called customer service. I am a pit when it comes to this. Utter bullshit Anthem Blue Cross. Get your shit together.
As a child my parents took us to a California beach. I was mystified, in my own little world. A bird flew overhead. I as yet did not know it was a seagull. It shat right on my head. My parents and siblings laughed at me. I was thinking what’s the big deal. I began to feel bad because it was the response that was expected, intended.
Was it for-shadowing? Some cultures view this as a good sign. It has taken me a life time to realize that I am different. I find relationships, parallels and points of connections that most people are unaware and frankly could give a shit. It is an intelligence, a quotient, an acumen most people do not have or value.
I went to the beach that day and saw the water lap the sand. The sand was made up of tiny pebbles, shells. The cool breeze, the salted air I could taste, the warmth and blinding light of the sun upon the water. Awareness a headache was developing from being exposed to the elements, my blood flowing in my small body, my heart pounding pulsing at my temples, and the sweetness of oxygen filling my lungs gives rise to a solid erection.
I thought about God, the concept of god, and what that might mean? What is the purpose of this consciousness and why am I so obsessed with it? I often contemplated “what was there before god? If there is such a thing as nothing:can it be comprehended? Perhaps. What is nothing?
I went to the beach that day. I got it. A seagull shat upon my head. I am so done with people who do not get it. I have no more time to explain it or the patience. So to those who are disinterested and use words like “basic” and “boring”, you don’t get it - for a reason. Let me make it perfectly clear. You are a dumb fuck. A special kind of stupid not even found in the animal kingdom. To you I raise my glass in toast, that you will not survive. And as a final note, fuck you.
I went to the beach.
Do I bless the day or curse the day? Engage.
I am the straight man in the comedy routine. I am if anything not to be taken seriously.
If I retreat from the world, I lose my humanity. If I recoil into my own mind and disengage, there is no hope for my soul. That thing that burns, the inexplicable knowing that one exists and knows we will never be put out; we shall go on. Again nothing is created and nothing is destroyed. We are mutable, malleable, transfiguritve, multi-dimensional beings, capeable.
We are protons, and neutrons;we are electric, chemical reactions, nuclear matter connected to the stars, the planets, the universe. Nothing can be known, and nothing can be unknowed. It is. We are a part of everything and everyone by a shared molecular blackboard from which we intrinsically take our form, be it solid, gaseous, or aqueous or even something else still unknown to us, dare we say spirit? What does that mean? What does that look like? What rules is it governed by? We know that our universe and all its components are subject to identifiable laws. How is it that we substantiate whether something is true? A hypothesis, a working hypothesis is accepted for further research.(1) A theory then is proof of an occurrence, expected outcome that can be measured by some known means. Isn’t is possible, plausible that a person exists in fleshy three dimensional form as well as a formless mass of energy? How can we know this? How can we test it? We do not even have a consortium or vernacular from which to draw upon. Does this mean that it does not exist? Shouldn’t we develop a means, a construct to support the hypothesis that we may exist in , and of an inexhaustible energy? Let faith be the hypothesis. Faith in the sense that we believe something to be true though we have no physical evidence or form of scientific notation to measure it’s reality, yet. Let us pretend then that we have a soul. Play with the notion. What might be its purpose and how is it connected to everything known? For we know, everything is connected and held together on a molecular level as we have most recently seen. Embrace the possibilities. Engage.
Good things happen to people too.