Lt. Leland J. Hawke
Civillian: Deployment: Orion
Sometimes I think I’m crazy.
This notion, that we should live so as not to come to the end of this life’s journey, filled with no regrets is preposterous. Life is messy, mean, merciless. There are many detours, wasted periods in one’s life that amount to nothing. Sure we learn and try to do better the next time ‘round. In the wake of our decisions, indecisions and ommission lay a dozen casualties. Lives are never the same. We are never the same. We walk with our head just a little lower, our hearts guarded by cynicism and walk a bit slower, more mindful. Some of us are irrevocably broken which is sad.
I have regrets. Big regrets. Things I am ashamed of and things for which I am deeply sorry. What I could make right, I’ve tried to mend. I’ve pleaded for forgiveness and at times there was none. I hurt someone. I was hurt too but it is not until one acknowledges and puts on the other…otherness of a person do they begin to understand the damage they have caused. My heart is heavy and I am guilty,
The deep love and appreciation and preciousness of life, I hold for every life was paid for with many a regret. So in the end, if you have no regrets, no fucks were given, you did not love, you did not live.The funny thing is that no one loved you. Who do you love, and who’s loving you should be the barometer of our lives.
Did one ever think in their youthful years that anything but success, accolades and friends would be the only feasible outcome?
I never thought, could never have seen, where my life careened and never got back on track. One needs tools, abilities far beyond one’s early twenties, proper upbringing and tenancity. One decides they will pay the price whatever that sum may be, to stay the course.
I’ve pursued love, relationship and friendship. I have had devastingly beautiful love, friendships verging on the lines of soul mates and always in relation to someone, to some cause, to some belief system moving forward.
I never thought I would be stopped in my tracks, held, detained, taken hostage, bound, gaged, imobilized by circumstances outside my control, without comprehension. It is neither good or bad. I am resigned to stop fighting, to stop struggling and just be still. It’s outcome? The purpose? I just need to stop.